I had a social engagement last night where I didn’t really know anyone. I had one friend there, but the other people I’d never met before. Other than my friend, who is well aware of my weight loss journey, everyone else only knows me this one way. As a medium-sized woman. No one paid attention to my weight or anything else about the way I looked. That anonymity was nice.
When I was heavier, I’m sure no one really paid attention to my weight then either, even if I worried about it. However, now, I’m used to going to functions or meeting friends who have seen me only occasionally or have not seen me in a long time, and my weight loss efforts are always the topic of conversation. Sometimes that feels good. Sometimes it’s embarrassing. I always know to expect it.
Earlier this week I wrote about starting over…from where I am now. Try to forget that a year ago I weighed 230 pounds. Try to forget that a year ago, I got winded going up a flight of stairs.
At this point in my life, I’m a relatively fit woman who enjoys exercise. I am a triathlete with races planned for next season. I am a medium-sized woman, and when I walk into a room full of strangers, no one looks at me as anything differently. I realized that last night.
I have been struggling the last couple of months to stay on track. I’ve managed to, but every day has required a conscious effort and some sort of internal dialogue. “I want that cupcake!” “No, you don’t.” “Yes, I do.” “Think of what it will mean later.” Lately it seems to be Fat Girl Vs. Fit Girl.
There was food at this function last night. Desserts. My downfall. I had a cookie. Just one. Like a medium-sized person without food issues. I kept thinking, here, I’m just a medium-sized woman, and I chose to act like one. It wasn’t as hard as I’d expected. I was not a fat girl or a former fat girl here. I was just me.
That reinforced my decision earlier this week to start over from where I am now. I am a fit, medium-sized woman who could lose 20 pounds. At last night’s function, before taking a second cookie, I thought “What would the medium-sized me do?” Eat just the one cookie. What would the Fat me have done? Probably eaten 3 or 4 of the cookies among other things.
It was empowering to embrace medium-sized me. It was empowering to blend in and not be self-conscious because I am obese or because I was obese and now I’m not. It was easier. Actually, it’s been easier since I have made a conscious effort earlier this week to think like a medium-sized person to stay on track.
I wonder if when losing a substantial amount of weight but not losing the “fat girl” mentality, it sets us up to fail? I know I’ve lost weight a number of times but always gained it back. Then again, I’ve always defined myself by that weight loss and then that weight gain.
What if I just let the fat girl go? What if I embrace medium me? I never tried that before. Is that the secret to lasting weight loss? It’s certainly worth a try.
So goodbye fat girl. I’m approaching life from a medium perspective from now on. I’ll let you know how that goes.
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Congrats on your new mentality. And its ok to cheat every once in a while. I have one cheat day a week, were I dont care what I eat. This makes the rest of the week so much easier to follow. Just an suggestion.
I allow myself a cheat day each week as well. I wouldn’t have lost as much weight without it. It took longer, but that’s ok. Lately though, one cheat day has been turning into two or three. So I think I need to see myself as this smaller person and focus on how I eat at this point, allowing for treats but not letting the part of me that wants to eat the box of cookies instead of just one or two take over!
Diane,
I read this and I got to tell you – I am so proud of you. Yeah there were struggles and there were some setbacks but when I see “I am a triathlete” in the same sentence, I can say that my friend is a winner!
you keep going you medium sized dynamo!
eklizabeth
It sounds like you’re accepting this great new body and with it comes a new mentality. Congrats!
And eating a cookie is not a “cheat” – it’s a freaking cookie. It’s learning how to eat only one (like you did) as opposed to eating five.
Diane, so many of your posts have hit home with me, but I totally connected with this post. I’ve losst 90+ pounds (80 lbs about 4 years ago, gradually taking off a lb or two at a time since then, and still with 15 lbs or so to go. I’ve also adopted a fitness lifestyle that I love and can’t imagine living any differently. Throughout all the successes, I still struggle with seeing myself as not fat. DH is always I like “medium sized person”. Not fat, but could lose a bit. I’ve never tried that out and it is certainly a middle ground between “fat” and “thin”. I agree that continuing to see ourselves as fat or former fat persons isn’t fostering a healthy positive self image. Your post has inspired me to find ways to re-frame my self-talk to remove the fat references. Thanks for all of the honest, inspiring posts!
Just happened upon this blog and I think it’s really great. As someone who is always trying to either lose or maintain her weight I can totally relate. I gained 65 pounds with each of my 2 babies, so I certainly know what it’s like to lose a lot of weight and to see yourself as a fat girl. I too, try to think, what would a thin girl do when at a party or ordering a meal. It’s tough. Keep up the good work. I’ll certainly be reading to keep up with your progress.