This has been a summer of ups and downs, challenges and successes. Mostly challenges. Some of the challenges have been physical. Hurt hip. Cranky shoulders. Blistering heat. Raging hormones. Yes, I will admit, I am at that later point in my life where the hormones all go wonky again for a while.
More though, the challenges have been mental. I’ve had trouble staying on top of my food intake. Don’t get me wrong, I have good days. Heck, I have good weeks. Hence the successes. But I’ve had bad food days too. Very bad food days…and weeks. Where once there was discipline, there are now cravings that will just not be ignored.
Where once it felt fabulous to know I’d gotten a substantial amount of nutrition in a reasonable number of calories, now it sometimes takes everything I have to not eat cookies all day long. Or Hershey’s Kisses. Or a half gallon of ice cream. Can you tell sugar is the nemesis here?
More than letting those errant sweets slip into my day, though, I’ve stopped tracking what I eat on paper. I keep track of points in my head, but as any good Weight Watcher knows, that doesn’t really work all that well in the long term. It’s too easy to not pay attention to nutrition and too damn easy to let sneaky calories in here and there. An extra tablespoon of potato salad, a handful of French Fries (or the whole bag), a cookie here and there (or half the bag).
On the exercise side, there have been challenges too. Last summer, I woudln’t have missed a run. This morning? I listened intently at the window for rain and decided to go back to bed. It was drizzling. I can run in the drizzle. I won’t melt. And even if it had been pouring? I have a gym membership. And the gym, surprise, surprise, has treadmills. But I’ve become the master of excuses for not working out.
I know that this has a lot to do with fear. The heat this summer has led to some really, really horrible runs. But there have been good ones too. Fear of really injuring myself has held me back as well. I’d rather miss a day or two of activity than be stuck doing nothing for weeks (in which case I m ight never go back to it).
The biggest fear though? It’s the fear of not meeting my own expectations. When I started this exercise thing, especially the running, I didn’t have any expectations. Anything I did was a triumph. Every minute I ran was a minute longer than I thought I could. Now, I expect to be able to take a week off and then run 3 miles without struggling. It doesn’t work that way.
I need to remember why I thought running was fun and go for that again. Instead, I go out with expectations and get frustrated when the run takes a couple of minutes longer than I wanted it to. I need to get back to exercising because I enjoy it. Not because it’s something I have to do a certain way in a certain amount of time or it doesn’t count. Any exercise counts, even if it wasn’t as far or as fast as I’d hoped.
I know what to do to continue to lose or at least maintain my weight. I’ve always known what to do, even when I weighed 230 pounds.
The key is doing it. The key is fighting back the parts of my brain that allow me to eat that first cookie (again with the cookies!), setting off that wave of sugar-seeking behavior.
The key is dragging myself out of bed and going for that run, even when I’d rather be curled up. Honestly, for the extra half hour, 40 minutes? The run or the swim sustain me all day. I feel better having done it. I feel better ignoring my stupid fears. And I know a crappy run is better than no run at all.
I am re-enrolling in Weight Watchers this weekend. I need the accountability of the WW scale again. I need the group support. I need to have that spark lit again. I need to focus on the slow and steady road to healthy.
Tomorrow morning, I will run because I like running. And swim the next day because I like swimming. Those activities make me feel good. I seem to keep forgetting that. No more unrealistic expectations. Goals, yes. But no more beating myself up for not being perfect. The exercise still counts.
I know what to do to stay healthy and feel good about myself. Now, I’m going to do it….again.
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Fear of re-injury can be intense. I gained some weight back when I was injured (some of which I still have not lost) and I am hardly training at the point I should be, or was last year. But what i am trying to keep in focus is that this year is not last year. And next year will not be this year. Day by day, Diane.
Sometimes you have it. Sometimes you don’t. I think the key is to have it MORE than you don’t, ya know? I know you will get over this hump- it takes a few good days in a row to realize that one injury does not mean the end